Tough Love

Well, today I made what has hands-down been the most difficult decision I've ever had to make as a doula thus far: I chose to choose to be home with the little girl above (my baby) rather than attending a birth. Poor Lyric has been sick with the stomach flu since Monday (Family day-rah rah), and although she has been steadily improving all week, even today had bouts of horrible stomach cramps that had her in tears and crying out to me "I don't like feeling this way Mommy", and looking at me with eyes full of tears (for which I am grateful...as Tuesday she was on her way to dehydration and had no tears), but that face just broke my heart. So there I stood over her on the toilet, rubbing her back and warming up a rice sack to put on her belly; the exact same things that I do for a labouring mom as she brings new life into the world. I was so torn.

Today Joel had to go to work and I knew that it was likely the one day where I would not be able to attend this birth. I had hoped that this babe would choose another day to be born, but today was indeed the day and so I had to say no. I couldn't leave my sick child with a babysitter all day; risking infecting her and her own family, so I made the choice I felt I had to make: family over the job that I love (and oh how I was looking forward to attending this birth as it was to be a home water birth, which I have never had the blessing to witness before).

Before bed in anguish I knelt on my carpet and asked God to show me what I should do. I knew that I had to be here in the morning to see how Lyric was doing and to get the kids off to school. I thought that maybe if the birth was early enough in the night I could go for a while and then be back in time for Joel to go to work, but then I thought it would be worse for that woman if I helped her and then had to abandon her mid-labour. I thought it would be better for her to get into a labouring pattern with those who would stay with her the whole time.

It's a hard thing wanting to be in two places at once; wishing I could be there but wanting to be home with my daughter so she knew she could count on me to be there for her when she is unwell. I believe it was the right choice, even if it was a difficult one.

Once again I find myself asking what on earth I am doing in this job as a doula. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job, but the stress of being on call is so intense and affects every aspect of my life for that month when I am essentially waiting for my client to call. The most difficult ones emotionally for me are the moms that go overdue because every day that they are overdue I make plans in my life but I hold those plans loosely, knowing that any day those plans could be turned completely upside down when I get that call and at a moment's notice I might have to rearrange everything. I was telling Joel last night that I think I could count on one hand the number of clients I've had that have gone early, or on time for their births (maybe 2 hands, but definitely not more than that I don't think), out of 45 births a huge majority go overdue.

Lord, I know that You have created me with a purpose of serving women and couples during this incredible time in their lives. I thank You for revealing that to me. I pray that You would give me the patience, the courage and the wisdom to know how to make the right choices so that I can be the best doula that I can be to my clients and the best mom and wife that I can be to my family at the same time. I want to honour You with my family, with my job and with my life.

Melanie