Am I in the right profession???

This is one of those days when I'm asking myself this question. Being a doula is definitely not a 9-5 job. It's not a job that "I" can leave my emotions out of. Births touch me to the core. When they don't go so well, I ache and cry with the woman (sometimes just on the inside so she doesn't see as I put on a brave face and continue to encourage and cheer her on). In easy, smooth births I am elated and cry tears of joy right along with them as well.

I've always been a sensitive person. Sometimes I don't see this as a 'gift' that God has given me. I used to sometimes think it was a weakness, but I really try not to see it like that anymore. I remember when I used to counsel at camp in my teen years, that I was the only counsellor in tears as the bus drove away that last day of camp after I'd become attached to my kids for 2 weeks. I was almost embarrassed about it. I'll never forget the one day that the camp director, an amazing man in his 50's or 60's at that time came up to me when I was in tears. He gave me a hug and told me that my tears showed the love that I put into that job and gave me a hug. He really made me see it as a good thing that I got so attached to those kids. It was nice.

So today, I'm feeling nervous and a little sad. I have a client who has been in labour for a day and a half already, no sleep since Monday night, and I'm waiting at home for the call after they get checked to decide the next step. I am nervous about where we'll be heading, or how things will go, knowing she's already so tired.

This year has been a big growing year for me in my job. Amazingly, before this year, I had never been at a birth that hadn't gone smoothly (even my own 3). This year there have been some real challenging ones, and now I'm waiting to see what will happen with this one. I know that God's got this all in His hands. I'm LEARNING that I can't control how birth's turn out, and so I shouldn't blame myself when they don't turn out the way my client's want them to. Also, I can't take credit when things go smoothly either.

My friend Tim has really helped me to recognize the struggle that I have (especially in my job) to want to control things, or thinking that I have the ability to. God is in control. My clients are in control of when they call me to be with them, or what decisions they make along the way. I can only do as much as they ask me to do. I can only do my best, and be there when they call, loving them along the way.

Thank you Lord, for the many lessons you teach me through the miracle of birth. Please give me peace today as I go into a situation that may or may not end up the way we all hope. Help me to remember that YOU are God. I'm just along for the ride.

Melanie