Mel: Control Freak Extraordinaire

Don't know why I chose this picture, but it's beautiful isn't it :) My friend Amy's sunflower.

This may sound absurd, but I have been asking God lately to reveal to me what I need to work on to be a better person...a better wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend. It's been amazing the revelation He's given me about where I have been very wrong and what I need to change. He's been showing me that I am a total control freak. It's been very humbling indeed!! I'm sharing this with you all so you can keep me accountable for this behaviour because I honestly didn't see it before, so I know my old 'ways' will creep up on me time and time again.

I'm somewhat of a perfectionist. Now, you wouldn't know this from looking at my home, that's for sure! But I still crave order, organization, and essentially control. Some close friends have made some comments that have helped me to see just how often I do this. It's hard for me to hear...believe me. I've always been a pretty sensitive person, and one who is easily hurt by rebuke. I get defensive and deny it, because I get ashamed. The strange thing is, God is helping me to WANT to see the times that I'm doing this so I can CHANGE it.

Now, I know part of my desire for organization is just a personality thing. So, you may argue, that's the way I'm made, so why fight it. The problem happens when I exert my desire for controlling how things happen etc. and it hurts other people. This has been like a revelation for me. It's amazing how you can be so blind to something that you've done all your life and failed to see it as a negative thing.

One of the ways God has revealed this to me has been my experience in the last few births I've attended. They've been tough. They haven't gone the way anyone had hoped. They've been HARD! So my control-freak side feels guilty...why couldn't I have done more to help the situation? Will they be disappointed in me because I didn't help them to avoid certain interventions, medications etc. My friend Tim helped me to realize one day that I can't control that! I can do my best, I can love my clients through the labour process, giving them all the support I can give. But I need to realize that the outcome is WAY out of my control. In fact, as a doula, it's my job to empower the mom (and the dad) so that they come out of the experience feeling stronger (even if things don't go according to plan...knowing that they did their best and the outcome in the end was out of their control). Like knowing what questions to ask their caregivers, making good informed choices etc.

Now, my defensive side perks up in regards to my control nature and says "yes, but if you didn't organize things (menu's, get-togethers etc.), they wouldn't happen. Someone has to take the initiative.

So therein lies the struggle. How do I do my part to help organize and plan events etc. without taking over and hurting other people. That's where you guys come in. I really need people to point out when I'm being too controlling. I need to learn to sit back sometimes and just let things happen and be okay with that.

Will you help me? I promise to try not to be hurt and defensive :)

Mel