I'm not sure how else to describe the way I'm feeling right now. I leave for Colombia in a mere 2 weeks from today and I'm a little freaked out. Don't get me wrong, I am totally excited about my upcoming trip, but I'm also very nervous about it. As a homebody, an 8 day trip to another country with none of my family or close friends along, where everyone speaks another language frankly shakes me to the core. I'll be honest... I'm terrified. It's so odd that I can have such a range of emotions as this trip approaches, ranging from excitement to fear, loneliness and sadness to honoured at the chance of having this opportunity. I feel like I'm going on this trip without a safety net. Of course I have God to depend on to fulfill every need and maybe that's what He wants me to learn. I tend to depend on other people to make me feel safe and loved and happy but inside i know that only He is the one who can fulfill all of my needs.
Today was supposed to be a day for Joel and I. Lyric is home today as well, but she's so easy that we consider our Wednesday mornings as 'date mornings' because we only have her. As we were lying in bed this morning listening to the news we hear that St. Josephs school buses are delayed by 2 hours. I say that we'll just drive the kids, but Joel says "no, they're bus kids, so they start 2 hours later, let's all go out for breakfast". Okay, I say. Literally minutes before we leave he gets a call from work asking if he'll come in right away and work until 8 pm tonight. He instantly agrees, after all we need the money right? But inside I was crushed. I had purposefully booked the morning off work so we could spend some time together. November is insane and there are so few days between now and my trip where Joel and I will actually be able to spend any time together. He works all day today, then has a course tomorrow, then begins his long week where he works 96 hours in 7 days. I keep wondering why all these full days keep popping up now of all times of the year. I don't know why I feel such an urgency to spend some time with him before I leave and I am so frustrated that our calendars are filling up more by the day. I'm not blaming him, I have just as many appointments booked, I just feel like we're running out of time and I want to store up time with him so I can make it through the 8 days where I won't be seeing him.
I feel all twisted up inside. I feel like a little kid going off to camp and knowing how homesick I'm going to be when I'm gone. It makes me cry whenever I think about it. When Joel went away in April he left letters for the kids and I for every day that he was away. I sat down the other night to start these for them and I started to cry writing them. I wrote the first one and couldn't write anymore. I layed awake that night for probably 1/2 an hour and couldn't get my body to relax.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm so dang sensitive. Do other woman worry so much about leaving their families? (then again how many women leave their kids for 8 days in a row??). I feel so much guilt over the fact that they won't see me for such a long period of time. I feel guilty that I'm going to Toronto the weekend before my trip to Colombia, but then I know the conference in Toronto will really be good for my doula business and I don't want to miss out on that either. Arghhhh.
One of those days. Frazzled. I expected November to be a tough month. I know that Satan is not going to let me go without a fight...without stress and worry and doubt and fights with my family etc. April was miserable when Joel left as well. It's not that I didn't expect it, it's just so hard. Do you ever have those days when you wish you were a kid again and you could just cry in your mothers arms for an hour or so, just to get rid of some stress? Joel's great, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I think there's no way he could understand what I'm feeling (or why I'm feeling it), heck I don't even understand it.
Two more weeks of this. Please pray that I don't drive myself crazy. I need your peace Lord...help me to remember that this is where You want me...
Your crazy daughter,
Melanie
4 comments:
Anita said" I will pray for you everyday! Never fear these emothions you are feeling sre quite normal. We all have those guilt emotions that we have to process. Just remember 'there is NO safer place in than in the will of the Lord' Enjoy your time to serve HIM!
Love ya
96 hours in 7 days! Yikes! That alone would have me frazzled, without a big trip looming so soon. Praying you get through this time with as little stress as possible.
I can completely understand why the prospect of leaving your husband and kids for 8 days is stressful and scary. On Friday I'm leaving my kids for ONE night and I must say, as excited as I am about it, I'm worried. I've never spent a night away from the girls. I'm sure everything will be fine, but it's just one of those things.
I'm sure your eight days in Columbia will be worth all the craziness you're feeling right now.
May peace be with you.
Love, Rachel
Hey Mel,
sounds like the lead up to this trip is getting tricky for you.
I join the others already praying for you.
Love you lots.
I am here "anytime" if you want to cry in my arms..that has, and will, never change!!! You made me so sad reading your blog today. We will pray for "peace that passes all understanding" for you. Try to focus on all the little lives you will touch when you are in Columbia, and how wonderful blessing this trip will be for you. Remember all this worry is not of the Lord, and that he will sustain you and be with you, and the ones at home waiting for your return. You will get through this,honey...hang in there. I love you xoxox
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