The birth last weekend has been a tough one for me to process. It was not only the longest birth for me to date (33 1/2 hours of my support), it was also laden with interventions. Before a client delivers I like to educate them on various interventions and how they can affect the labour and impact the baby and the mom. I do the work beforehand so that they know what they're getting into when they say yes to interventions. I also teach them what questions to ask their caregiver when interventions are suggested. I teach a BRAIN acronym.
B- what are the Benefits of the suggested intervention
R- what are the Risks of the suggested intervention
A- are there alternatives that we can try (possibly less invasive)
I- what is the woman's intuition telling her about the situation
N- what if they choose to do nothing at this point and just wait
I also explain thoroughly to couples that although I can help them to gather information at a birth (and beforehand), that I will NOT speak to the doctors and nurses on their behalf. I make sure they realize this before the birth because it is not my job to speak up. Sometimes I'll talk to the dad and make suggestions of what he could say to help mom out if she's not in a situation to speak for herself.
So supporting women at births like the one last Saturday is very tough. I often question myself after a birth that doesn't turn out the way the mom and dad would have liked, whether I could have done more. Should I have done more? What more could I have done. Some births are physically and emotionally draining. Some days I walk out of the hospital feeling like I've just had the crap beat out of me and I cry all the way home.
So why do I do it?
Well, like the nurse on Saturday said, it's these challenging births where couples really need the support of a doula. It's hearing from the parents that they couldn't have done it without me. It's seeing the joy in their eyes, even after an unexpected outcome, when they're holding that brand new baby and saying "She was worth it all, wasn't she?". It's the beauty of birth. No matter how unpredictable it is (and this is what I have the hardest time with...the fact that I have NO CONTROL over it), how much work and pain it is, the prize at the end is always worth it.
I've never been a person who has been good at Surrendering. When I pray that someone will have a good birth, and it's anything but a good experience for them, I have a very difficult time knowing how to deal with that. It's very hard for me to just let go. I have to learn to surrender. To not hold the responsibility of the outcome of these births to rest on my shoulders. I do my best to be there, holding hands, pushing on backs, helping them to gain information, making sure they're eating, wiping sweating brows and catching puke. It's all I can do. I give every ounce of myself at births, and I have to just be proud of myself for doing that.
And let go of the guilt already.
Mel
3 comments:
Mel, Just remember that your clients can have a wonderful birth experience, despite a less than optimal outcome. That's where you come in. You are what turns a nightmare into the beautiful event it should be. So keep doing what you're doing becuase you are AWESOME. And don't let anyone (Satan especially) try to convince you otherwise.
Kim
It is because you care so deeply for your clients and what you do that this experience is so difficult to process. Remember you did all you could and were "called" to do. God has a purpose in all of that even if it's just to learn something from the experience. Praise the Lord that the baby and the mother are okay, that is the most important thing. You did NOT fail at being there and caring and helping the parents through that difficult phase. Now praise God for watching over all of you through the process. It is difficult sometimes to praise Him in the difficult times, but through thanksgiving of the "down" times He lifts us up. Surrendering is a lesson on it's own, and a very difficult one to learn....it takes a whole life time to do that!!!
Like Kim says, you are awesome at what you do, and God has called you to do that, so don't waiver in that!!! Love you xoxoxoxo
I must agree with Kim and your mom and echo the encouragement of the nurse: Anyone would be fortunate to have your support at their birth, but it's precisely the most difficult ones where your support is needed most! Don't underestimate the value of what you give. It is precious.
As are you.
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