The Uncertainty of Birth

Warning: this blog talks about my birth experience with Lyric. Guys..you may not want to read this.

One of the things that fascinates me most about childbirth is its mystery and uncertainty. When I get together prenatally with clients I encourage them to create a birth plan. I always tell them that the birth plan is just a guide and we cover a range of different issues that may come up in the birth. I read in one of my birthing books that you should write out your ideal birth...detail by detail of what you want to happen...then burn it, because that's the closest you're ever going to get to the perfect birth that you plan out in your mind. I should have read that before I Lyric's birth.

I had a difficult time recovering emotionally from my birth experience with Lyric. Her birth a beautiful home birth, people would think I was crazy for telling them that I had to mourn the loss of my dreams of what I was hoping for in her birth. I guess part of the difficulty was in knowing that Lyric's would be my final delivery. I wanted everything to be perfect so I had lots of support in place. I had a midwife, 2 wonderful attendants and had planned for Joel, my mom, Izzy (if she wanted to watch) and my wonderful doula Jacquie to be present. With Izzy and Obi's deliveries, my water had broken before contractions ever started. In my opinion this is the perfect way to start labour. There is no doubt in your mind that "this is it". There is no turning back. With Lyric I woke up at 4 a.m. with very painful contractions, but they were 8-12 minutes apart for 4 hours so I doubted that I was in true labour. I had seen many clients in false labour for days and I guess I figured that's what it was. Before I knew it I was labouring with contractions minutes apart and I was completely alone. Joel was at work, my midwife was getting her kids ready for church, and my mom was on her way from Bracebridge. I remember thinking at one point "I shouldn't be alone right now". I tried to reach my doula but her pager wasn't working since she was in an arena at her sons hockey practise. By the time my midwife arrived and checked me I was 8 cm. 40 minutes later Lyric was born in a flurry of activity as my house filled with people: midwife, 2 attendants, Joel, his 2 paramedic partners, my mom and my dad (who quickly left because he couldn't handle hearing me yell). I felt completely out of control. I remember crying out to God for help, over and over as I tried to get from the bathtub to the bed while my body was pushing. I'm not sure if every woman experiences that moment where they feel completely out of control and at the mercy of God...but I sure did.

Birth is such a mystery I believe not only because it is the beginning of a new LIFE (Miracle!!!), but also because we have no way of controlling it. People try, believe me...but ultimately, God is the only one who can decide when a woman's body will begin the contractions necessary to bring her child into the world. When man takes control things can easily start to go wrong. Don't get me wrong, I believe 100% that there is a place and time for cesarean sections (like with my sister Leah...it will save her and her child's life), for epidurals (when a poor woman has been labouring for hours and hours and needs to rest for her body to be able to give birth), and for other medical interventions such as forceps, vacuum extraction, suctioning etc. What bothers me is when doctors use them on a regular basis and make medical interventions the 'norm' in a birth, without giving the woman's body a chance to try birthing on its own.

Although the uncertainty of birth is one of the things that attracts me to this field (seeing God is every element of my job and being present as a witness to miracles when I work), it is also very frustrating for me. Remember, I'm GOLD. I like to be in control...to be organized, scheduled. For the week or two before I have a client that is due I have a difficult time sleeping. It seems to be getting better (I've attended a dozen births now), but it's still hard. I'm always wondering: will this be the night?? The worst fear is that I won't have necessary childcare when I get that page. In the twelve births I've attended God has worked out every single one that I've had someone to watch the kids so I could be there. Some of those times it's been an absolute miracle (but I believe in those :) Finding a babysitter who is willing to take care of my three children at a moment's notice (and sometimes in the middle of the night), is obviously a very difficult thing. I've had my dear mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother, parents and friends all help out at different times in my doula career...but I always feel like such an imposition. I really look forward to the day when the kids will all be old enough to get themselves up and ready and off to school when I have to leave at 3:00 in the morning to attend a birth. My job will lose one of it's biggest challenges. Then I'll just have to deal with doctors and nurses who sometimes don't want a doula there....argh.

There have been many times in my life where I thought I've had everything all planned out. And many times where those plans have blown up in my face. I really think that God enjoys 'shaking things up' for me. He gets that opportunity on a regular basis with this job. If I weren't a self-proclaimed birth junkie I would never put up with this job :) But alas, being a part of birth is definitely my 'sweet spot'. Lucky me!!

Mel