Meant to Lament

The sermon at church today was a tough one. You know, one of those that you'd like to just ignore...and not think about again after 11:00 a.m. Sunday morning. It's still one that I'm trying to figure out. Pastor Tim talked about how we, as Christians, deny ourselves the time to grieve when bad things happen. He mentioned how when sad and horrible things happen to us (in this sin-filled, fallen world), we skip too quickly from the moment we first begin to feel the pain, to the place where we think "there must be a reason for this" etc, and we justify the pain we are feeling and deny ourselves the time to really lament and FEEL the pain. It's so true.

The idea of loss scares me, and I try to avoid it at all costs. Last night, as a matter of fact, I was realizing that my father and Joel's parents were all younger than we are now, when they lost a parent. This thought really freaked me out, because I'm not sure I could handle losing a parent at this point in my life, it is UNIMAGINABLE for me. We really try to avoid pain at all costs, don't we?? Maybe it's back to the 'control' issues I mentioned in a former post (surrender). We don't like it when bad things 'happen to us' and we quickly try to find the reason for why it happened, and look to how it will help to strengthen us. Tim talked about how we as Christians often 'shoot the wounded' in our lives. You know, those people who are close to us, that have experienced grief. We throw verses at them like Romans 8:28 about how all things work together for our good, and instead of encouraging them, we're actually insulting them by doing this. I am guilty of shooting the wounded...and I'm sorry for any of you that I've hurt by doing this. I never meant to hurt anyone, I honestly thought I was being helpful, but I really have NO IDEA how to help people in their pain. How to just listen and be with them as they weep, and lament without taking that away from them. We need to realize that grief is not a sign of being weak, and that we can have faith and NOT have to jump to the 'happiness stage' after we've experienced pain and loss.

I am amazed by how few painful experiences I've ever been through in my life. I've lost 3 Grandparents, but wasn't very close to them, or was so young when one passed away that I don't recall much about the experience. The one time in my life where I really lamented properly was when my ex-fiance broke up with me. I'd never had my world shaken to the core like that before, and believe me, I took the time to lament that relationship ending and it brought me closer to God than I could have ever imagined. It's so easy to forget about God when life is running smoothly. We foolishly begin to think we can handle things on our own without His help. It's when we experience rough times that we grow as people and our faith can deepen (or some people take these experiences and turn against God completely). Tim talked about how lament opens our hearts to a greater knowing of God. It's so true. When you are vulnerable, and naked with all of your usual defences down while in grief, you know that you are staring God right in the face (although He can always see through all of our 'masks' and facades.

Another thing Tim mentioned was that praise and gratitude are less meaningful when we minimize lament. I'm still trying to digest all of this, but I know there is so much truth in this statement. So, I'm vowing to try to be a better friend to those who experience grief. I'm not going to try to make them feel better, I'm going to join them in their pain, and cry with them. I will never forget at my doula course, they talked about having clients with a stillborn baby. They suggested sending a card to the couple especially on the first anniversary of the baby's birth/death. They said that we often feel like we don't want to bring it up and hurt them more on that day, but that the couple that experienced the loss is going to be thinking of that baby that day, and getting a card will just let them know that their baby is remembered by others as well. It's so hard isn't it? To know what to say when our friends experience a death in the family? We try to avoid them, or pretend nothing happened because we just don't know what to say.

Lord, help me to know how to lament, and to help my friends to know that it's okay to experience grief. My favourite line Tim said was when he talked to those in the congregation that were in a place of grief and just encouraged them to crawl up into God's lap and cry. That it's okay to cry out "where are You? and why are you letting this happen?". After all, Jesus Himself said those very words when He hung from the cross didn't He? As Tim said, we are made in His image and are supposed to live our lives the way He did.

Wow...lots to digest, not sure I understand it all and definitely not sure I know how to feel about it.

Mel