Nervous

I tend to be quite a nervous person. New situations really make me sweat. Tomorrow I begin my new adventure of teaching a Bible study at our church women's group called "Heart to Heart". I'm teaching one of my favourite books "Cure for the Common Life". So, tonight I'm a little nervous. I'm not sure why, really, because with my Edeva girls I basically "lead" conversation in the exact same manner that I will be at heart to heart. For some reason it seems more intimidating in a church setting with women I'm not as close to. I'm excited though. I'm really hoping that God can use me with these women and that we can all learn a lot together through reading this book and discussing it. My girls have expressed a desire to study the book as well at our evening meetings.

One of the things I like most in life is conquering my fears. As a child I would balk from the things I feared most. I find as an adult that I tend to plunge right into the very things that frighten me the most. I know I mentioned this in regards to performing in my ballet recitals, but I've noticed a similar pattern in many other areas of my life. For example, needles, dentist appointments and the dreaded yearly visit to my doctor. All things that I wish I could do without. As a child I wanted my mom to put off these appointments (okay, except the latter) for as long as possible. As an adult I like to tackle them as quickly as possible. It's really freeing to not be 'afraid' of things. To me there's a difference between being afraid and being nervous. I would never skydive...I would be scared to death to do that, but things like teaching a class, or performing on stage in front of a hundred people, or walking into a hospital at 3 am that I've never been in and trying to find a doula client...those are all challenges that I can succeed at despite the fact that they all make me very nervous.

Giving birth was probably the thing I was most nervous about doing in my entire life. I remember that from when I was old enough to understand where babies "really" came from, I thought that it would terrify me to have a baby growing so large inside of me and knowing that either I would have to push it out or it would have to be surgically removed. The thought just seemed so bizarre and frightening to my young mind. I don't remember having that same fear when I was actually pregnant (because i knew more about the mechanics of the whole thing... and was far more mature :), but I do remember that fear of the unknown the first time. I mean, people can tell you what giving birth was like for them, but you really can't understand what it feels like until you've given birth yourself. Then the second and third time around it was more like the "fear of the known" that made me nervous. I knew exactly what was coming, although my memory of it was slightly softened with the passage of time (this is God's way of ensuring that mankind continues to procreate :) I watched my birth video today with a client (and dear friend...believe me this is not something I show to very many people!). We were both moved to tears. Her birth was three months ago, mine 2 years and months ago, but watching that video I couldn't stop holding my breath along with myself on the video and recalling all those feelings I had at that moment. One of the things I've learned in my doula career and through personal experience is that the amount of work and pain that it takes to give birth only increases the ecstacy of that moment when the baby is born. I know all about the physical (hormonal) reasons for that euphoria that moms usually experience the moment their child is born, but for me it was that feeling of accomplishment: of succeeding at something so difficult and so painful.

So once again I'm way off topic...how did I get from Bible Study to birth anyway :) Oh yes, the spaghetti mind (have I tackled that blog topic yet...I believe so). I should go and plan my lesson for tomorrow. Nothing worse for the nerves than not being prepared. As I said to one of the women tonight as we set up for tomorrow, "It's good to be nervous...it causes me to lean on God for the words to say, otherwise I'd be cocky and think I could do it all on my own :)". Thanks God, I know You'll be right there beside me tomorrow. Sitting in on my study.

Love ya,
Mel